It started a few years ago, whenever I’m in an airport and have a couple hours to kill I go up to pilots and ask them if they’ve ever seen a UFO. It began as a whimsical lark but after approaching a few pilots I soon learned that this is very serious business. At least to them it is, they take it VERY seriously…at least the Pilots who have seen UFO’s do.
I fly often, I spend a lot of time in Indonesia but live in California so I have long layovers in Taiwan or Hong Kong, sometimes Australia…various other stops. Sometimes I have layovers as long as 6 hours and I will sit there with my headphones on pretending to read my tablet or phone but my eyes are always scanning, searching for my targets: The dapper, well-groomed, men in blue and white.
I have always believed, rightly or wrongly, that one of my greatest strengths is the ability to look someone in the eye and know instantly if what they are telling me is true or not. People are so easy to read when they are lying. They avert their gaze or they will gesture with their hands or fidget with something, their clothing, their phone, or the bag around their shoulder… When you ask someone a point blank question, and they are about to lie to you, they do something to bide a little time as they think of how to compose the lie. This is especially true when you are a stranger to them and you ask this question as the very first thing you say to them when you approach them in a public place. Even more so when it’s a question of such importance. In the case of airline pilots this question is of such tantamount importance that it could get them fired from their job or even blacklisted from all of the airlines. Essentially ending the career that they have spent so many years building.
After approaching dozens of pilots over the years I have found they fall into two very distinct categories by their telltale reactions. The pilots who have never seen a UFO immediately crack a smile or outright start laughing. The pilots who HAVE seen a UFO get a deadly serious look on their face and they immediately look me up and down and look at my clothing and look at my shoes, then they look around to see if anyone else is watching or listening. They are immediately suspicious of me and I can tell if they are wondering if I work for the government or the airline or some even more nefarious organization.
My unassuming surf rat style and scraggly hair usually puts them at ease fairly quickly but the answer is normally a very curt and unequivocal NO. They’re often polite but it’s clear they want to get me out of their presence as fast as possible. On the other hand the Pilots who haven’t seen UFO’s tend to laugh right away and say no politely. These guys are more likely to have a short conversation with me before moving along down the long clean corridors with their snappy black rolling suitcases.
It was a few years ago and I think the third or fourth pilot I had ever approached when it got very strange very quickly. He wanted to know who I was and why I was asking. He was angry. I quickly said “Sorry to bother you” and walked away. As I briskly moved away from him 20 paces or so I sneaked a peek back and he was still standing there by the deli counter with his gaze fixed on me. WHOA I wasn’t expecting anything like that to happen. I knew immediately at that moment…THIS SHIT IS NO JOKE.
After that Pilot Stalking got very hard for me. I’m a bundle of nerves with butterflies in my stomach when I’m getting ready to make an approach. It’s the exact same feeling when I’m trying to build up my nerve to go up and talk to the most beautiful girl in a bar. My mind is racing, my pulse starts pounding and I feel a little bit sweaty. Last year I became more determined than ever to talk to Pilots. Their strange and standoffish responses have me convinced that about half of them have seen some very odd things up there in the skies. I force my nervousness to be overcome by my curiosity and I stalk my prey with obsessed determination
I stalk them at the food courts and bathrooms primarily. I watch them like a stealthy lion waiting by a watering hole in the African Savanna. I wait for them to get their food and sit down, then I’ll grab an item or a beverage from that same counter and go sit near them while I build up my nerve to make my move. Sometimes I will follow them into the bathroom and I will sit in the stall next to them, pull down my pants to avoid suspicion, and sit on the nasty toilet with my boxers on and wait for the moment I can wash my hands next to them. I’ve had to smell the shit of pilots…in order to get my chance to ask my invasive question. I think they’re generally pretty unhealthy people, which is no surprise, they eat a lot of airport food, it apparently doesn’t make for very good smelling defecation.
Washing hands next to a pilot is always the best place to make a friendly move on them. That’s the situation where they are least apt to suspect me of being some kind of an agent. I imagine people often say hello when washing hands next to a Pilot.
I was returning home from Bali in the fall of last year with a long layover at the Hong Kong airport. I walked up to a group of four or five Pilots that were standing in a circle chatting with a couple of stewardesses as we all waited for the same plane to arrive. It took me at least an hour to build up the courage to approach this group of young and sleek-looking asian Aviation Professionals. It didn’t go well.
“Hey you guys tell me honestly have any of you seen a UFO?” To my surprise only the stewardesses laughed. The pilot who I assumed must be the captain…he looked a little older but still just forty or so said “No we haven’t” and in unison, like Gazelles being approached by a Big Cat, they turned their heads and started walking away. The stewardesses continued chuckling and speaking to each other excitedly in their exotic tongue.
I was followed after that. Two plainclothes security officers followed me around the airport for the next few hours. At first I thought I was imagining it so I would walk into a market or a restaurant and then the bathroom. I zigzagged around the airport for a while but those same guys kept popping up no matter how far I roamed in the giant airport.
Well that was it for me. I vowed to myself that I would never ask another pilot if he or she had ever seen a UFO. I was just too afraid to be pulled into a back room with beige walls and interrogated or put on the no-fly list. Besides I had never gotten anything but NO answers from pilots and didn’t expect that to ever change. My Pilot Stalking days were over for good.
The next morning after the grueling 14-hour flight in coach I found myself in a bathroom at LAX. This time I had to take a dump for real. As I finished and reached down to pull up my pants I noticed in the stall next to me those familiar black shoes…you know the real comfortable kind that look like nurses shoes except black… my mind leaped… Pilot!
I got my head down real low and saw the familiar rectangular pilot’s carry-on suitcase, I definitely have a pilot here, what was I going to do? YEP one last hurrah, I gotta do it! I waited for him to finish his dirty business… and as luck would have it a few minutes later I got my only point blank “Yes I’ve seen UFO’s” answer while washing my hands next to him. He wouldn’t elaborate but I walked out of that bathroom with a shit eating, or rather shit smelling, EAR TO EAR GRIN.